I can’t read

This page will be regularly updated with a feature I’m going to call “I can’t read [Swedish], but I can sure as hell guess.” It’s filled with goodness related to me fumbling my way through understanding. Wow. Crazy formatting. Sorry for now. Like so:

Malmo: Official bunny agility testing site

A swine of the times

Where babies come from

This is your brain on hormones and finances

How to eat shit while playing sports blindfolded in Malmo

Fiddler pirate smackdown over homebaked bread

Free champagne with 900 SEK purchase of a student!

Students oooh, ahhh at career fair

Is that your diggilooganget in my slottsagare?

You should see the students on Ivan's good side

Like sailboats on land, schools upgrade bus system

Gang war over flamenco variations

Alone on desert island, man must marry horse

Baked man has awwweeesome idea

Spring graduates fall from great heights

Bird bombing zone

So that's how you do these effin puzzles

First public contact = fail.

How Swedes vote: on paper, for pirates. No really.

Snacks of desperation!

Hungry art student about to be microwaved, in pieces

My magic throw up contains...

Plugging babies with bananas

Available: Scenic reservation for two in Hoje

"Why do I always get killed by a cat when people play Bingo?"

Ring Skane's luckiest, most professional cock biter!

Your stolen bike is fucked.

Dramatic Pole performs last song about his shirt

Snorebrooms: All buskers have em

Text message reads: Protest? My house or your house?

Malena gets her mouth ready for the final

He's thinking "flum, flum, flummigast"

The hound will now sell you cats in a bottle

Lars poses with traditional technology

Have allergies? Snort a horse.

Aka Abba reunion

There's something on your face, fyi

Free healthcare -- treat yourself with sock puppets

Where babies come from

Smart man, just put this technology up there

Mosquito is no relative worldy word

Tongue kissing in the stalls is for happy amateurs.

And the keyboards went two by two into the ark of arks.

Tingling man on the loose in Akarp.

Council of elders declares more mint snacks and tonsil hockey.

Storybook interpretive dance about the mysterious female fargexplOsiOn.

Trying to make slapstick comedy music with a sausage microphone.

Thrilling trilogy decide the human genome is in a rut.

Containers arrive full of new students!

Norwegians spend 20 million on yellow stimulus package for press conference.

Man opens up his fanny, vag to God.

Debating about debates. No-shows!

Training farts. The worst kind of backfire.

Man finally understands what it means to uphill slalom.

Gentleman protests tough love with hugs and kisses program.

Headless children on heavy medication train for karate.

Lund will unlock can of whoop ass and mice.

Latest dance band: Killmama and the gang.

Gloomy man remembers time he had hair.

Girl loses lozenge in cracks of dried lake. Regrets life.

In clear move, fourth generation set to take over. The one on the right. With four legs.

Anti-Semites forced to wander Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe. Forever.

This definitely has something to do with Volvos. And sunroofs.

New hall is so interesting, big that one kid goes!

Man criticized for writing book on pub history in library, not pub.

On the final day, the rats chewed the cord. Men rack brains; decide to build fort instead.

Young villagers have itchy trigger fingers.

Leave space for the Holy Ghost when you Brazilian samba. Not a soccer ball.

Controversial photographs cause old people to stage a walker out.

Sick monster carries old women to heaven. Tells them they're going to the moon.

Local woman makes scrapbook of blog news.

Private fast talker gives one nickel to start kamp for the homeless.

The long arm of ... drama.

For super better funk dancing, pretend you're an electrocuted puppet.

How to make beef when serving women named Greta.

Singer bruised when hermit crab tries to leave home.

The big "cows need mittens" crisis.

Stenson shows off his golf banana hammock.

For better range of motion when training by swinging children, aim for a tree.

Hey mama. How many Dalai Lamas can you cramma on a llama?

"Flexible" new five-cent meaningless work word.

Sadists long after annulment.

Jockey gallops into sunset on his hairstyle-matching pony.

Five generations of fabulous alliteration!

Thinking about breeding a tuna and a hare? Me too.

Feet. The other white meat.

Damn Sak's Fifth Avenue skulls don't sell in Lund.

Prehistoric man named Vasa time travels quickly on the tube.

This is the "psycho" art student Anna Odell. She didn't down any Sparks. None.

"Civil" terrorists attack mini-children with balloons.

Children who enter public ball pit must match balls and/or wear hair nets.

Can you find the English word that has no Swedish equivalent?

Cubicle monkeys (i.e. humans) long for open landscape.

It's not a season. It's a secret desire. FALL. FALL. FALL.

Eco-friendly forest barenaked man is back demonstrating right to both bear and bare arms.

They call him the "Basturbator."

Man develops new eco friendly philosophy of nudity!

Swedes are only allowed to shoot on their bellies in the snow.

Bush looks back on his eight-year summer vacation.

New winter trend: having one leg!

Barbell on a rope! Man on a scale!

Amphetamines cause floods.

Here are glad grannies in motion.

The snake just fell from the sky. What a coinkidink!

Screw your trap door. He's got a trap escalator.

Sniggly, wiggly snail sushi!

Secret revealed: Venus lusts after chocolate.

Bland skater perfects art of "self-hug" on ice.

Shirtless man praising football is normal.

Brigade declares the Jul catastrophe officially over. Removes evidence.

Stand still so he can kick you in the head.

Is this gentleman a catch or a shitbag?

Felix gleefully now understands where babies come from.

Thumbs up, Obama!

Kennedy falls, gets up, asks to go to IHOP.

Jobs has had it up to here with escaping death.

His existence is omnipotent.

Loner dude ran out of his very special batteries.

You asked for that damn pony, now you're going to ride it!

At an annual march, demonstrators threw bottles and fireworks. (Not kidding.)

After taking care of business, the police ate sausages from a gas station. (Not kidding)

Babies dresses as Santa = cute!

Grown men dressed as Santa = creepy?

Why, yes. I did leave the oven on.

Music and alcohol convince you all-white ensembles are awesome.

Not to be confused with Bimbo Hoku.

Book lust! Cause book fans are novel lovers. Har.

Tibet debates what to do after its next OS upgrade.

P.S. You have halitosis and I'd rather kiss your sister.

Gang violence now showing in 3-D!

She never understood why it was called a disappearing act.

Balloons are the new kid leashes.

Sweden's Olsen twins, sans drug problems and face-eating sunglasses.

Doubletag it so you don't get julklapp! Eeew. Nasty stuff.

Yawning is more effective with umlauts.

Godfather remade: Now with more skinny bitches in underwear!

Magnus earns his title as Father of the Year.

Smack in the middle of intellectual ping pong!

Life is a musical, right?

This kid came from where?!!!

Jazz hands!

Ever hear the one about the man with legs for a head?

Suddenly, the beans are regrettable.

Caveman discovers cable TV!

Seniors crave free kisses

Which one hasn't hit the vodka yet?

Three ways to never see your grandparents

Magazines accept fate; stop reporting

Glogg: get smacked! (Or how to survive Christmas)

Smart pact: Tops and bottoms agree to disagree

Ex-Senator talks ex-mustaches

Muppet, Fraggle dorks write biography

Sweden ran out of cement ducks to dress.

Training for the freakingawesomefaces olympics in 2011

Experts learn to lure the elderly with candy.

A bad excuse for missing the train...

Hamlet rehearsals are in the other gym.

Who's checking out her royal heiny?

Japanese consumer photo op. Aisle 3.

Even Swedes who get money to go to college eat ramen. Sigh.

Police arrest snarky college students.

They have sick sales. Disgusting deals. Barfy bargains.

Inspiring condom slongs? Whhhhat?

He sells his wind for cheap. Wind origin: unspecified.

But does it match the drapes?

Self check-out? Isn't that what a mirror is for?

Bush before and after his therapuetic smoke treatment.

Sweden's Jeff Kleinpeter?

How Swedes get stoned

Sweden's real view of Obama?

EU institutes new math policy.

Hockey mom watches you masturbate.

Out of Holy Water again?!!

Common cow stereotype: They wear gold chains.

Party pooping frogs are the new chihuahuas.

Tip No. 1: When looking for a job, don't hide in bushes.

Sucks being puppeted by monkeys.

Prevent STDs with huggsexa.

Quick! Pretend you're a speed bump.

Say it ten times fast while drunk.

Latest Swedish sports craze: Pingisboom!

She loves the news so much she married it.

Swedes + Presidential Election = Bicycle Race

Swedish mini golf.

News flash: Toucans are interesting.

Fun with fonts!

Hey kids. Meet Kommando. My um dog friend.

Debt.Debt.Debt. Over?

Bush banks with radishes.

Swedish cars for soccer moms.

Sandals + socks = hot sex.

Human scale!

Loser lady plays with chickens.

The remedial Swedish clown school class '09.

Buy Emil or Malte. No wait, just welcome them.

Get a viking job turning tricks.

He's got a knock-full of jazz if you know what I mean.

American puppy intermission!

Erik was a biker; Arne was a bowler.

Adopt a homosexual. Pick one from the barn.

iThink Swedes like the Apple-ized iPrefix.

Obama challenges McCain to ankle biting match.

Some reporter got lazy with man on the street interviews...

Paris is for gators.

Gustav made the cover of my local news.

In order to shave, you must have a mullet AND extend your pinky at all times.

Playing handball is like licking a slut.